Our Autism Journey

After The Appointment – Entry #12

October 23, 2018

I was so upset after the appointment with Dr. Brown yesterday that I just felt totally overwhelmed and I could not even think straight.  

I didn’t want Joe to see how upset I was, so I pulled myself together and took him to the pool.  As always, he loved it. As I watched him splashing around in the water and enjoying the experience so intensely, it gave me new courage and I realized that I could not stop here.  But I wasn’t quite sure what to do or where to go from here…

I haven’t spoken to Ryan since the appointment.  I suppose I was a bit rude, but yesterday I just got into the car and left.  He tried to call me (four times, to be exact), but I did not feel like speaking to him.  I was so scared that he would side with the doctor and try to persuade me that Joe’s future was not looking very bright and I had to start making provision to accommodate that.

So this evening after putting Joe to bed, I called Ryan.  He answered right away. I started speaking, going off about the doctor, about Joe, about everything… Ryan listened for a minute and then told me to make some tea, he is coming over.  Well, that was not what I expected – seems like I’m getting way too many surprises the last couple of days.

Ryan’s car stopped in front of my house 10 minutes later.  I opened the front door and he stepped inside, putting his arms around me and holding me tight.  And that was when I could not hold it together anymore – I started crying, no, sobbing my heart out.  I cried about Joe, about Doctor Brown, about the fact that I was on my own and did not have anyone to support me through every day, I even cried about Ryan… It felt SO good to be held – for a moment it felt like someone really cared and understood.  Ryan did not say a word, he just held me and it meant more than a thousand words. I knew that it wouldn’t last for more than a few minutes, but at that moment I did not care.

I felt so much better after a good cry and Ryan and I ended up having a valuable conversation.  We talked for hours, to be honest, but I’ll tell you more about it tomorrow.