My Life Before Joe – Entry #3

I don’t like writing about myself, but for today, I will. I read somewhere that if you become a Mom you have to make time everyday to remember your own needs. If I think about what I might possibly need right now I might be busy till next year… For starters a day of just sleeping or even a week. But a little bit more about me:

Where to start? Potentially where my life took a major turn, when I hit the age of 36, traveling around and always having an on-off boyfriend that I truly believed (still possibly believe) is my soulmate. Naively I stopped traveling and settled down in a small town (never my dream destination) to be closer to him and actually, for once giving love a chance. He is a commitment-phobe like myself, but just had his 41st birthday and I suppose societal pressures became too much and he caved.

He suggested having a child. We were both in deep waters that we never knew we would want to dive into, but we tried for a year and then was pleasantly, yet nervously, surprised when I became pregnant. The pregnancy journey was easier than I expected and I never gained too much weight and struggled up the stairs (something I always feared).

Ryan grew a bit distant through the months of my pregnancy and seemed truly scared when Joe was born. I believe that he still wants to be a good, loving Dad, but that the rash decision placed him too far out of his comfort zone that he struggled to surface. In the end, when Joe was 2 months old, we both agreed that a break is inevitable. We decided it will be a short-term plan and Ryan has actually made a huge effort (for him it is huge) to visit Joe twice a week.

We haven’t had “the talk” to decide if we should give “us” another chance at this stage. To be honest, I am exhausted and the mere thought of that talk drives me to a bottle of wine.

Long and quite emotional story short, I am a single mother (for now at least) with a beautiful baby boy. I decided I will go see my general doctor tomorrow as Joe has recently been showing some signs of aggression. Not necessarily towards me – but he banged his head a few times on the wall and it seemed for no apparent reason. He also shouts when he wants something now – he used to point or make sounds. Although I want him to develop at his own pace, I want him to do as the happy child that I saw when he was born.

Anyways, thank you for listening, old faithful.

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